


Tenth Day of Christmas - We Three Kings

by unjaundiced



Series: Holiday Headaches [10]
Category: Naruto
Genre: 12 Days of Christmas, 12 Days of Fic, Apologies, Destructive Behavior, Gen, Gender Confusion, Humor, Ninjas Can't Do Anything Right, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-03
Updated: 2016-01-03
Packaged: 2018-05-11 22:13:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5643772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unjaundiced/pseuds/unjaundiced
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kakashi, Iruka, and Gai have to apologize for assaulting, well, everyone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tenth Day of Christmas - We Three Kings

“We are very sorry, Tsunade-sama. This will never happen ever again.” Iruka bowed.  
  
“See that it doesn't.” The Hokage sounded amused. Iruka frowned slightly, still bowed. He rose and bowed again.  
  
“As mentioned, we will fully repay all the damage and deliver personal apologies to all parties who suffered loss.” Iruka gritted his teeth, fingers twitching as he stared at the toes of his boots.  
  
“No harm, no foul. It was amusing in any case. I can't believe it took you until today to catch him.” Tsunade paused, most likely to take a swig from her ever-present choko. She sighed heavily and the sweetly pungent scent of high quality sake wafted through the room. “I'm just curious about one thing though.”  
  
“Hm?” Iruka paled.  
  
“Just _how_ did he get all my baby things anyway?” There was no doubt about it. Tsunade was _very_ amused.  
  
Iruka jerked up, tensing as he bowed again. He growled under his breath, irritated at the fingers grasping the back of his neck. Kakashi's low chuckle made his hands fist at his knees and he seriously considered delivering a crotch-shot punch at the jounin.  
  
“Maa, he's a crafty one. He gets into  _everything_.” Kakashi practically purred as he stroked his fingers down the nape of Iruka's neck, smirking slightly as he felt the chuunin shiver imperceptibly. “He needs constant... stimulation.”  
  
“Kakashi-sensei!” Iruka popped up, cheeks burning, batting the jounin's hand away from his neck as he did so. “I can speak for myself!”  
  
“We apologize for our rude outburst.” Kakashi's hand latched itself to the nape of Iruka's neck again as he forced the chuunin into a deep bow. Iruka could _feel_ the jounin's smug amusement cloying the air.  
  
“You need to train him better. Maybe provide more positive reinforcement, rather than negative.” Tsunade chuckled to herself as Iruka visibly twitched at that.  
  
“He just wants attention,” Kakashi murmured.  
  
“Oh, that's it! I am _not_ a dog,” Iruka bellowed, ducking away from the jounin and kicking him in the knee. Kakashi, predictably, dodged that and promptly received a book to his face for his trouble. Iruka _was_ crafty.  
  
“I now see why you are so much faster than I am, my Beloved Rival! Iruka-sensei is much faster than I'd ever—” Gai's shouts rattled the bookshelves, causing books to shift and reveal one of Tsunade's sake storage spots.  
  
“Yes, yes. Youthful, blah blah blah. Thank you!” Tsunade waved a hand in Gai's general direction as she leapt into action, sliding the books back into place just as Shizune walked through the door. Ton Ton did her best to squeal on Tsunade but unfortunately, Shizune hadn't quite graduated from Pig-speak class yet.  
  
Gai promptly teared, loudly protesting her dismissal. He opened his mouth to say something to Kakashi about it, paused, closed his mouth, opened it again, and said nothing. Even his sparkling aura seemed to fade. He looked left, then right, then up at the ceiling. Kakashi and Iruka were gone. Most curious.  
  
“Farewell, ever-Youthful Hokage,” he shouted, flamboyantly bowing to Tsunade who was busy shaking TonTon for being a squealer before pirouetting and leaping from her window with a cry. “Dynamic Exit!”  
  
Tsunade gaped mid-shake, then shook her head and muttered to herself. “Damn, I'll never get used to that.”  
  
Shizune's eagle eyes spotted the dark shadow of a sake bottle behind Tsunade's desk and she pounced with an enraged shriek. “Tsunade-sama! How could you!”  
  
Tsunade took the opportunity to stuff Ton Ton under her arm like a ball and hustled it out the door. Moments later and an explosion of paperwork burst from the Hokage Office window to rain down on Izumo and Kotetsu who were toting the previous day's collection of complaints. Kotetsu cried out in surprise, threw up his bundle and attempted to flee in the distraction. Izumo wasn't fooled and planted a foot on his partner's back, sighing over the flailing body at the extra work they'd have to do.  
  
Iruka perked up, ears twitching like a curious animal's as he turned towards the loud noises emanating from the center of the village. Fingers curled around his neck and cupped his face, squeezing his cheeks slightly before turning his head back and forcing him into a bow. He frowned at the ground and tried to elbow Kakashi.  
  
“We are very sorry for causing the deer to stampede yesterday and for scaring them with self-mobilising girls' dolls,” Kakashi said, bowing Iruka's head and bobbing it lower at points he felt deserved more remorse. “We will repair the gates and we will build a tree blind so that you may have a place to watch over the herd.”  
  
Shikaku raised a brow at the back of Iruka's bowed head and smirked. He stroked his chin for a moment and smiled broadly. “A place of refuge from my wife, ey? I like the sound of that. Apology accepted. Forgiveness granted.” He patted Iruka heavily on the back, snickering to himself. “Take care of yourself, okay? Don't let this guy stress you out. He's bad for your health.”  
  
Iruka looked up in surprise, frowning as Kakashi forced him down again. Shikaku snickered to himself, quieting as he heard his wife calling for him. He hurriedly shooed the two shinobi away and melted into the shadows. Kakashi took the hint and ran with it, disappearing with Iruka in a shower of dust motes, just barely escaping Yoshino. Shikamaru rolled an eye downward from his perch on the roof and muttered below his breath before pulling his scarf up and closing his eyes again. He groaned as Gai's voice broke through the quiet, calling for Shikaku and saying he had brought a vegetable wagon for the deer. The resulting stampede officially ruined his nap.  
  
Kakashi and Iruka reappeared in a dramatic rain of mica and ume petals in front of the shop belonging to an old woman that Iruka had accidentally pied with a squid the day before during his rampage, Kakashi still holding him in a bowed position. The old woman giggled at the sight, not annoyed in the slightest about the squid. It was about time someone had remembered old Michiko!  
  
“Now, dear. You should remember not to upset her in her delicate condition,” she chided Kakashi, who didn't correct her on Iruka's gender, as she folded Iruka's hand over the handle of a boys' double drum.  
  
“Maa, it's our first so I'm not used to—” Kakashi jumped slightly as Iruka tried to jab him with the drum.  
  
“Ah, Obaachan, I'm not really...” Iruka flushed as the woman lay a knowing gaze on him.  
  
“It's okay to be in denial, but you really shouldn't give your husband such a hard time. He only wants to do the best he can for you,” she comforted. Iruka gaped, stomping hard on Kakashi's foot when he heard the jounin snicker. “It's because he's a _man_. He doesn't know anything. It's up to us to lead those ignorant men around.”  
  
Iruka slanted a look at Kakashi, smirking at the offended look in the jounin's eye. When in Snow Country, as the saying went. He plastered the most put-upon expression he could manage on his face. He sighed. “I know. Kakashi-sensei has the _smallest_ brain sometimes. I don't know how I deal with him.”  
  
“Hey, I—” Kakashi's indignant protest broke off as the old woman patted at Iruka's shoulder, twitching at the sight of the contact.  
  
“There, there. This too shall pass,” the woman murmured. She then pointed to the drum and pushed a small basket of toys into Iruka's arms. “These belonged to my grandson, but he's too old for them now. Your child will love them. They're pre-tested!”  
  
“Ah.... thank you...” Iruka looked startled and uncertain. He lifted up a miniature acupressure dummy and raised an eyebrow. It had a henohenomoheji face and a tiny spray of grey fur for hair. He smirked evilly and tucked it into his pocket, jerking sideways as Kakashi pulled on his arm.  
  
“I'm sorry, but we have to go. So many things to do, people to kill,” Kakashi chirped, waving broadly at the woman. She giggled and waved back, sighing at the ensuing cloud of dogwood petals. She was just about to sweep up the petals when a sound made her freeze and she dropped her broom, pushed aside the tanuki guarding her shop and hid in the crawlspace revealed. The tanuki slid into place just as Gai blurred into existence carrying a barrel of octopus on his back and shouted his traditional youthful greeting.  
  
Kurenai giggled as Iruka dropped his toy basket in shock. He looked at her and pointed back and forth between her and the pile of baby paraphernalia dominating her living room. She smiled even wider and shook her head, pointing at him, then to the mass of baby goods. He paled and slumped.  
  
“The old woman, I _get_. She's probably half-blind, but _everyone else_ too? Why does everyone think I'm pregnant,” the chuunin moaned.  
  
“Probably because you went to all those marriage and fertility shrines,” Asuma mumbled, blowing a cloud of smoke towards the ceiling. Kakashi flicked a kunai and severed the burning tip from his cigarette. Asuma frowned and sighed as the cold ash peppered his lap. “Really?”  
  
“Stop killing us slowly,” Kakashi hissed, protectively stepping in front of Iruka as if his sheer presence could stave off the effects of secondhand smoke.  
  
“I don't know what your deal is,” the burly jounin mumbled around his cigarette as he tried to light it again. “It's not like there really _is_ a baby.” He paused. “Unless there's something you're not telling us.”  
  
Iruka glared as he pried Kakashi's kunai from the wall. “Ex _cuse_ me?”  
  
“Thought not,” Asuma mumbled again.  
  
“Are you telling me secondhand smoke doesn't kill,” Kakashi asked, voice unnervingly sweet. “Try closing all the windows and lighting a fire in your house, then stay in the house without trying to put out the fire and tell me secondhand smoke doesn't kill. Stop killing us!”  
  
“Asuma!” Kurenai snapped. The jounin in question sighed, a victim of unfortunate circumstances, and tossed his cigarette in the trash, mumbling about never winning.  
  
“Well, I suppose I could donate these,” Iruka mumbled, poking through the baby pile. He held up a familiar looking rattle and frowned, swinging it back and forth on his finger.  
  
“Oh? That's where Tsunade's rattle went,” Kakashi murmured thoughtfully as he plucked the toy from Iruka's hand. He tossed it up and down a few times.  
  
“Oh, is that where it came from? It obliterated the right support pillar to the Yamanaka flower shop. It figures that Tsunade-sama would have a lead-cored baby toy that weighs the same as an Akimichi,” Kurenai commented, carefully smearing plaster over the new hole in her wall. “I'm assuming the baby mobile that shattered my window came from the same place.”  
  
“Um, I am so sorry,” Iruka uttered, blushing heavily as he bowed. Kakashi perked up.  
  
“Oh? Please hold our things. We'll be back for them,” Kakashi said quickly, hooking an arm through Iruka's and disappearing them in a shower of love letters marked “To Kurenai, From Asuma.”  
  
“Bastard,” Asuma grumbled, toeing a particularly gaudy letter. He groaned as Kurenai's recently-repaired window flew open, shattering as it hit the wall as Gai tumbled in with an extremely boisterous “Dynamic Entry!”  
  
“Just missed them,” Kurenai sang as she moved a vase to block her newly-patched hole in the wall. Gai drooped.  
  
“Again?”

Iruka ended up being extremely thankful for his “youthful vigor” as he ended up being forced by Kakashi to bow at least a thousand times to hundreds of different people for the things he'd apparently inflicted upon them. Had he really thrown a whole swing set  _through_ the tofu factory? He blamed it on the fact that neither Kakashi nor Gai would take their punishment like the jounin that they were.  
  
He was startled by the sheer number of people who seemed to be gender-confused about him and had ended up going along with all the congratulations over his recent pregnancy. Kakashi seemed thrilled at all the well-wishing and had gladly—greedily—accepted all the gifts that came with it. He supposed he'd be getting sympathy cards months later when no baby made its bouncing appearance. It was definitely all of Kakashi's fault. Speaking of his crazy friend...  
  
Kakashi carefully tilted the box Ebisu had handed him, shaking it slightly and knocking on it at different points. Iruka frowned. Where had Ebisu-sensei gone anyhow? The tokubetsu jounin had just been standing there a moment ago, and why was Kakashi rattling the box so seriously?  
  
Kakashi shrugged and opened the box, slammed it closed and burned it with a katon. Iruka shouted in protest as the last ashes fell to the ground.  
  
“What the _hell_ was that about,” he demanded, shaking Tsunade's baby rattle at him threateningly. Kakashi shrugged again.  
  
“It was not for your eyes,” the jounin muttered. “It was not for _anyone's_ eyes.”  
  
“Well, it won't be _now_ that it's been incinerated, thanks to you,” Iruka pointed out. He frowned. “And where has Gai-sensei been? He was supposed to have come with us.”  
  
Kakashi was silent for a moment, looking frantic as he twitched slightly. He rushed forward and dragged Iruka with him. “No time,” he called over the chuunin's stuttered protests. They teleported away just as Gai swirled in dramatically, a whirlwind of leaves stabbing at the ground.  
  
“Dynamic Entr—... KAKASHI-KUN!!!”

**Author's Note:**

> These were originally written for the 12 Days of Christmas Challenge on Livejournal in 2010, starting with the first day of Christmas (December 25). It's basically all crack and I apologise for nothing.


End file.
